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more Little Photoshop Of Halos Nostalgia is like crime-scene cleanup for your head: "My, what lovely new tiles.You'd hardly know there was once a triple murder in this kitchen." more Penis On The Half-Shell Art -- especially abstract art -- says different things to different people.more Pay Pal Welcome to the "never say never" school of hope. She can do an hour and a half straight on why we need to "smash the patriarchy," but when the check comes, she reaches in her purse and pulls out a tube of lip gloss...

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more The Sum Of His Beers You've got to be wondering what it would take for you two to live happily ever after...cirrhosis? more Yawn Juan In looking for love, a number of people confuse "the chase" with something closer to criminal stalking.

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more Weed Better Break Up Now The guy isn't without ambition.

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Guess Pains Science has yet to figure out a number of life's mysteries -- questions like: "What came before the big bang? " and "If we're such an advanced civilization, what's with short-sleeved leather jackets? more Mommy Dreariest Sure, your kids still need you, but mainly to drive them places and then (ideally) be kidnapped by Mexican drug cartel members, only to be miraculously released just when they need a ride home...

more Sleep Actually The good news: You two are still like animals in bed.more You Flooze, You Lose There are those special people you meet who end up changing your life -- though ideally not from happily married person to lonely middle-aged divorcee living in a mildewy studio... Sometimes it takes a while to let go, but sometimes you're so ready that you'd chase the person off your porch with a shotgun (if you had a porch or a shotgun and weren't afraid of doing time on a weapons charge)...more Nose To The Groin Stone It's tempting to get everything out in the open right away: "I've run the numbers on your chances of having sex with me, and they're pretty close to the odds of your being crushed to death by a middle-aged dentist falling out of the sky"...more James And The Giant Leech This woman lives paycheck to paycheck. more Loathe Story According to your office Socrates, "How do I love thee?Let me count the ways" should be answered with "I slashed your tires. And I'm looking forward to chasing you down the street while waving highly realistic replicas of scary medieval weapons..." more Pi In The Face Men don't mind being corrected by a woman if it's "Oooh, yes...a little more to the right" -- not "I think you meant 'whom,' but hey, no judgments." more The Gym Reaper There are people -- some of them men -- who won't take no for an answer.more Simper Fi Most men are comfortable dealing with any leaky item -- as long as it can be fixed with an adjustable wrench and a Phillips screwdriver.

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