Dating someone who is angry dating academy chicago
Just be sure not to make fun of the person you're trying to help, he says.
Humor is best targeted at yourself or the situation. I actually came about this article through a google search as I just encountered a particular situation with a close friend.
Express it as a "can't" rather than a "don't want to": "I'm sorry, I wish I could help you with that, but I can't today." "I can see you're really angry, but you're taking it out on me -- and if you care about me, you'll stop." Note that this works better with strong, close relationships, such as between family members or close friends. Some angry people need to vent it out of their system before they'll engage with you, says Ken Robbins, a geriatric psychiatrist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
Sometimes the anger stems from a perceived wrong: You or someone else did (or is perceived as having done) something upsetting -- forgot a birthday, broke a prized possession.
Sometimes, though, the anger stems from a bigger sense of being wronged -- the person lost a job, his or her partner left, or he or she has a tough medical diagnosis, for example. So cut to the chase by moving the conversation (even if it's mostly one-sided barking, so far) to a more proactive realm.
It's never fun to deal with an angry person, whether we're talking about a hothead who's quick to anger or a chronically angry grouse.
Unfortunately, none of the natural reactions that an angry person inspires -- defensiveness, fear, or getting mad yourself -- tend to be productive. According to experts, careful responses can help you counter a hothead without losing "I understand that you're really angry right now that I missed our appointment." "Oh, wow, you seem really mad that the doctor's office never called back." "You're mad that I ate that last brownie -- is that it?
Basically you're saying, in a nice way, "So what do you want me to do about it? You may be able to fill the desire: "Let me see if I can call the doctor for you and find out what the delay is." You may hear that an apology is desired, if you accept some fault for the situation: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize the snack I ate was something you were saving for yourself.
Please accept my apology -- I'll buy you a replacement." Or you may decide that it's not within your power to help.
But doing so helps move you out of the natural gut reaction to being yelled at, which is defensiveness. I know that others will be upset when I take care of myself, but I have to.
"When we're defensive, we're taking care of us, not the other person," he says. Instead, try telling yourself that the angry person is doing the best he or she can, given the situation -- "even when the best they can do is pretty crappy," Sultanoff says. I can't always give and give and give to others; it's OK to give to myself." Or "I wish I could help Jill, but there's nothing I can do about her ex-husband being a jerk.
" "I wish I had a magic wand -- I'd wave it for you and fix everything." Humor can defuse situations that have grown tense, especially within relationships that are close or playful.
"Humor can shift the moment," says Sultanoff, who's the former president of the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor.
"I wish I could have stayed with Jack long enough to fix his computer, but I already stayed an hour and I'm late for the gym. I know I'm a good friend and I'll be there when there's something specific I can solve, but right now all I can do is listen and say, 'Look, I can't do anything to change that.'" Cutting yourself some slack about how you're dealing with a volcanic personality helps to inoculate yourself against feeling angry or fearful about the interaction. But you'd be surprised how effective self-acceptance is.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating